Staying Clean (Caleb)

I have every reason in the world to stay clean.

My family has shown an indescribable level of forgiveness and support. My beautiful companion has given me the most wonderful gift of trust, respect, honesty, and vulnerability. We are planning to share a life and to open ourselves to each other completely. I love this woman and her daughter more than I could begin to describe. I feel as healthy and full of potential as I ever have. I want to make my ancestors proud, and I want to stay clean.

But as anyone who has ever dealt with addiction, or known anyone who has, it’s going to take more than just hope and good intentions to stay clean. It’s going to take faith, trust, strength, courage, perseverance, support and a whole lot of work.

It takes more than hope and good intentions to stay clean.

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I recently stayed clean for nine months and then relapsed spectacularly. I pushed my girlfriend away as far as I ever have. I ripped off my Mom, and I broke the heart of everyone. I almost didn’t make it back.

I remember the day I relapsed. There was a two-hour time frame where I struggled internally so much. Should I use or shouldn’t I? I have every reason not to but I just really felt I like I should. I thought about calling a couple of different people, but I didn’t. During my relapse and the time since I have been given an awesome show of love and commitment by my Dad, my Mom, my elder, my brother, my sister and my girlfriend. I honestly believe that I will be able to call at least one of them when I’m struggling.

On April 12th I go to court and am hoping to be released to a recovery house. Can I stay clean?

I will be triggered at some point, and I will want to use. There is no avoiding that.

So, I have to clean up all of the messes I’ve made if I can. I have to talk with my family openly and honestly, and when I need help, I have to feel safe enough to tell people. Throughout my life, I have believed that I wasn’t good enough to be wanted. I grew up feeling abandoned, and I grew up feeling hurt. But I am healing. I am healing.


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